Pregnancy Journeys After Loss

Sometimes Life is Just Strange

2011-12-01T10:34:00.001-05:00

Sometimes life is just strange and I find myself giving my head a whack with the back of my hand.

Alison asked about Solomon. Alison asks a lot of questions and she is not the type of child who is easily pacified. I often have to ask her to ask me the question again in a few days, when I have had time to think of and formulate a solid answer for her.

She asked how Solomon died. How do you explain pPROM to a ten-year old? Somehow I managed an answer. She knew that when a baby is in a mom's tummy, the baby is swimming in water. I told her this was special fluid that helps the baby breath, like a fish. I explained how my water came out. She asked if this is what it means when 'the water breaks' so I know she understands a little of the mechanics.

I told her usually the water breaks when a mommy is 9 months pregnant and the baby is ready to be born. But in my case, the water came out at 5 months. And because the water helped Solomon breath and grow, and the water was gone, he died.

She got it. She totatly seemed to understand, and went on to resume playing. Go figure.

more on the Certificate of Still Birth for NYS

2011-09-27T10:55:00.000-04:00

http://www.nysenate.gov/press-release/senator-kennedy-announces-governor-signs-certificate-still-birth-law
I hope I can get one for Solomon.

Certificate of Still Birth

2011-09-24T13:07:00.002-04:00

Governor Cuomo signed the Certificate of Still Birth legislation into law on September 23, 2011.
http://www.governor.ny.gov/press/09232011GovernorCuomoApprovesVetoesLegislation
I hope I am eligible for one for Solomon. The bill allows 180 days for a certificate to be developed. So it's really another 6 months down the line.

Trees and Flowers

2011-08-29T13:18:00.003-04:00

Of all the trees to topple, it is the one that shades Solomon's flowers. I have tears in my eyes surverying my backyard after Hurricane Irene. I am thankful we did not lose power. I am thankful we did not flood in our basement. I am thankful my husband and my children and I are safe. I am saddened by the loss of my tree.

Unforeseen

2011-08-26T14:50:00.002-04:00

Unforeseen from TH3Productions on Vimeo.

This video was sent to me out of the blue. It is poignant and timely. I hope you enjoy it.

Due Date

2011-07-28T20:45:00.001-04:00

Ugh, another July 28th. Date sucks almost as much as March 8th. Maybe someday it won't?

Answers

2011-05-02T21:23:00.002-04:00

Alison came home today freaked out from learning about puberty. I'm not sure how it happened, but she brought up Solomon, or maybe I did.

She asks a lot of questions, I just wish I had better answers. She stated that he would be in 5th grade and she would see him in the hall if he had lived. Well she's right, he would be in 5th grade, if things had gone according to plan. But would I have her? Or Adam?

How did this come to be my life's plan? I have stopped asking but now I have a child who wants answers, sigh.

Anger

2011-02-05T13:06:00.003-05:00

I thought losing Solomon would protect me from other ills. I thought he was the 'loss leader' - that by losing him I would have no more sadness. Needless to say I'm wrong.

Without going into details I find myself faced with increasing sadness of an inevitability. And it angers me. And it scares me to be angry again. Anger is the hardest emotion for me to let go of. It is not appeased by food or drink or shopping or exercise. There is no antidote to anger the way crying is to sadness.

So now I face myself struggling to keep the lid on my anger when all I really want to do is scream.

11 years

2010-11-26T08:06:00.002-05:00

I know it's not significant in any way but yesterday, Thanksgiving, was eleven years from when I was with my family keeping our big secret, we were pregnant. I see the photos of my with a goofy grin and I just get nauseated. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday but yesterday was just rough for me since it was the same date as it was in 1999. Stupid I know but I can't help it sometimes.

Still Sucks

2010-10-02T12:05:00.002-04:00

Well, it still sucks. At least I have given up thinking it won't ever won't.
Today was A Walk to Remember. I didn't walk. I attended the memorial part of the service. I kissed Solomon's quilt square and his scrapbook page. And as I stood trying to shelter my candle in the wind, I kept thinking, "my baby died and all I got was this stupid candle." I don't mean to sound cruel, but it just still sucks.

When asked if anyone wanted to speak, I did not go up. I am further down the road of needing to speak about my son and my journey. What I really wanted to do was speak about Tyler Clementi, an 18 year old Rutgers University Student who took his life a few days ago because of the cruelty of others. Tyler was someone's child too. No one should ever have to bury a child.

The Empire State Building

2010-07-28T10:04:00.002-04:00

It almost escaped me that today is 'that day' or it used to be what I considered 'that day.' July 28, 2000 is the day I was supposed to give birth to my first beautiful child. But it was not to be how I planned.

I didn't even realize the date until I was in the checkout line at King Kullen this morning. And it would have escaped my psyche altogether if the cashier hadn't handed me back a coupon with an expiration date of yesterday, July 27, 2010. That's when I realized today was 'that day.' Or not.

For years this date held as much significance to me as any other, and those who know me know I keep a mental calendar and can usually recall dates to various events in life, mine and theirs.

July 28 used to stand out in my mind like the Empire State Building, towering over so many of the other dates. But now, ten years later, it's supplanted by far more wonderful dates: Alison's and Adam's birthdates are now the Empire State Buildings in my mental calendar. My joy at having them eclipses this date. I don't feel the grief of this day so strongly any more. I actually feel at peace, for today.

Every Last One

2010-06-27T07:52:00.002-04:00

I could not put down Anna Quindlen's latest book, Every Last One. I was completely captivated. It took me a day to read it, starting with snatches of pages early in the morning before anyone was awake. I read on our car ride out to a friends engagement party. En route back I got to the climax and wanted to scream but my husband, children and dad, my fellow passengers, would not have taken my yelling well. I finished by forcing my eyes awake until after midnight. This morning I can still feel the book in me.

I found the most evocative passage on page 200 (the hardcover US edition): "It was not so much I wanted to die; it was just that I could not bear the incessant feeling of being alive." The line was the knockout punch that brought it all home for me.

There was an evening Eric came home from work to find me in the fetal position in our bedroom, gasping for air as I could not control my tears. The pain was ravaging the wound still so new. My understanding that people just didn't get it growing until I felt it would swallow me up. I told Eric I didn't want to die but the idea of living without the baby, for I did not know his name right then, was too much for me - I couldn't do it. I think it was one of the few times in our marriage Eric was actually afraid.

The next line in the book: "And then it occurred to me that I was already dead, that what was left behind was a carapace, like the shells of cicadas we found a few summers ago." This is what Eric knew way before me, that I was gone, the woman he had just wooed and wed and created life with was not there anymore and I know he wondered "where did my wife go?" and that was just the beginning.

Laura Mann

2009-10-19T20:29:00.001-04:00

http://www.dhatrifoundation.org/home
Sometimes life just sucks. Laura Mann died yesterday. She was a cousin through marriage. I loved her. And not only that, I liked her. She was that rare combination of warmth, empathy, acceptance and perseverance. She will be missed by so many and for so long.

Time Flies

2009-08-28T18:02:00.003-04:00

It has certainly been awhile since I posted, not because I haven't thought about Solomon, just that I haven't felt like posting. Eric and I will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in a few days, which means I am closer to re-living my experiences with Solomon's pregnancy. I go months without recalling anything and then some moment of the experience will creep back into my mind.

Like the other day, I received notification in the mail about the new "Red Light Cameras" that have been installed in my town. And it reminded me of the first time I drove my Buick Skyhawk after losing Solomon. I was traveling north on Jerusalem Avenue in Levittown heading towards my therapist in Sysosset and as I approached the first intersection with a traffic light I drove right through it. I was 4 blocks past when I realized the light had been red and I didn't stop. I wasn't freaked out or anything until I arrived at the therapist's office and realized I could have hurt someone. That was the worst part of that particular moment.

Communion

2009-04-20T13:38:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Rebecca's communion. It was really great to share the day with my best friend and her family. I looked at a photo album from Rebecca's baptism and saw Solomon's mom. Rebecca and Solomon were supposed to be born within days of each other. Rebecca and Solomon were supposed to be friends.

In the photo album is the "after" Amy - the one who lost Solomon. I am smiling because I am so thrilled for my friend. I am smiling because I am pregnant AGAIN. That baby wouldn't arrive either, but I didn't know that then.

I still have the outfit I wore to Rebecca's baptism and toyed with wearing it yesterday. How ironic that would have been if I did.

Miss you S.

Passover 2009

2009-04-07T20:43:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I will host my first seder as Eric's wife, in our home. It is 2009.

The first seder we spent as a married couple I was in mourning. I will forever have my mother-in-law's face imprinted in my memory from when we arrived at her sister's house for Passover. I know it was a look of concern, but what I felt (and still do on occasion) is FAILURE. I ran to the bathroom and just burst into tears.

"Next year in maternity clothes" was what I uttered when everyone else state strongly, "next year in Jerusalem."

And here I am hosting my first seder. Solomon is missing. My grandmother in missing. I will lay the table with our glass dishes and my grandmother's kiddush cup for Elijah. I will engage Alison and Adam (hopefully) in the seder. Hopefully I will make things easier for my family, my parents especially.

The holiday of Passover is about freedom. Those who grieve are never really free from it.

The Day of Why

2009-03-08T20:51:00.004-04:00

It is now 8:51pm and I am waiting to exhale. This is always the worst day for me, every year. It is easier, I'll grant you that, than last year and last year was easier than the one before. But I can feel the stress of the day in my body, the tension upon awakening knowing this is "that day."

Solomon would be 9 today if he had lived. And if he had lived, I wonder how he would be. I get so emotional when I see special needs kids, and thank God every day for the normalness my children exhibit.

Today is the only day of the year I give myself permission to ask the whys? Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to him? Why did this happen to us?

What did I do to deserve this? Technically, not a why question, but something wondered always in the recesses of my mind, my only answer being so I would know what real stress and heartache are, as opposed to the daily stresses and heartaches of every day life.

I just don't think that's a good enough answer.

Ash Wednesday

2009-02-25T15:26:00.001-05:00

I just realized it is Ash Wednesday, not a holiday of significance for me but it is the day I delivered Solomon. March 8, 2000 was also Ash Wednesday. When I delivered him, only Eric and my doctor were in the room with me. When all was done, I remember my nurse returning, she had gone to church on her lunch break. It's curious what gets remembered and when.

Now They Are Both Curious

2008-11-25T19:03:00.002-05:00

I don't know how it came up but now they are both curious. Alison must have said something to Adam. The other night she asked me again the name of the baby who died, and Adam asked what baby? Without going through the gory details I told them as calmly as I could the baby's heart didn't work and he died in my tummy. I feel I am usually good with words and I have been preparing and planning for this for years and now that it's here, I am just at a loss. Again.

A Passing Nightmare

2008-10-25T15:32:00.003-04:00

I am home now almost 24 hours after a passing nightmare. Adam has been sick since October 13 and while the initial ailment resolved fairly quickly, a secondary one set in. We went from "check in in the morning if he is still running a fever" to "I have to send you to the ER at the hospital."

Losing Solomon was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. But lying in the hospital chair-bed, next to Adam's silently dripping IV, I realized it could not have been. Solomon's loss was losing a dream, but the reality that I was here with a sick kid was a living nightmare. The panic took root in my bones, and while we are out of the woods now, my body has not relaxed.

Luckily, whatever was ailing Adam has seemed to pass. He has been fever-free for 72 hours. He is so drugged up for a broad range of possible illness that I know all the bad germs are almost gone. He is eating his restricted diet and will return to school Monday [god willing] on restricted activities.

But he is fine, and he is home.

Questions

2008-10-06T13:15:00.002-04:00

I woke up last Saturday morning with an inkling that this might be the day, the day when Alison or Adam has questions. I mentioned this to Eric who replied, "You say that every year." And that is true. But this year I was right.

Alison accompanied me on this years Walk To Remember - chosing this activity over watching her brother play soccer, or should I say run around the soccer field with a group of 5 year old boys with a soccer ball in the midst.

The walk was proceding and it was a good half hour before Ali said anything. She asked if we could see our page. I knew she meant the scrapbook page I had done for Solomon, so we walked over to it and I showed her. Then she asked if we could see our quilt square. So I walked her over to where the quilt was displayed and showed her. Her first reaction was to ask, "Who was born on March 8?" I told her, "the baby." She asked, naturally, "What baby?" and I told her, "the baby who died in my tummy before you were born." She seemed to take my remarks in and felt satisfied. Until...

Until my friend's daughter asked her, "Was the baby who died a girl or a boy?" And Alison in her sweet voice replied, "I have no idea what you're talking about." So I told her the baby was a boy and his name was Solomon, Solomon was the baby who died in my tummy before you were born. Again she took in my remarks and seemed satisfied.

I have no idea what she thinks. She knows a photo of our family adorns a book cover but I don't think she understands why or what the book is about.

I wonder if I handled her questions ok, and appreciate that she didn't ask more than I was willing to answer. For my children, life's questions will forever go beyond "where do babies come from?"

School Year

2008-09-05T13:47:00.003-04:00

I just got off the telephone with Patty, Patty who understands.

I am missing my children something awful.

When pregnant with Alison, I didn't believe I was having a baby. I felt if I ever got to give birth, it would be to nothingness. When I was pregnant with Adam, I swore until the moment of delivery I would have another daughter, a sister for Alison, named Julia Elizabeth. When my doctor pronounced, "It's A Boy," all I could think was "how could my daughter have a penis?" Perhaps it was the drugs from the c-section, but the thought rolled around in my head for weeks afterwards.

I find myself calm at this moment, after being in tears just a short while ago. I felt weepy for Solomon on the first day of school - he would have been a third-grader like so many of my friends' kids. But now, with both Alison and Adam in school, I feel a different kind of loss, one that is much harder to describe to someone who isn't like me. So I called who I knew would help.

And she did.

The Day Before

2008-08-13T12:00:00.002-04:00

I remember this day, August 13, 2001, quite clearly. Actually, the evening.

I had a routine OB appointment. I was humongous, strapped to the monitor. I looked like a whale. Eric took a photo for posterity. We had just received our first digital camera and this was the test shot.

Dr. E. proceeded to tell me everything was fine. Yes, everything pregnancy-wise was. But I was a nervous wreck. I had spent the prior 37 weeks and 6 days alternating between fear of never having a living child and denial that I was even pregnant.

I asked Dr. E. about an early delivery. The thought of two more weeks felt like two more years. He uttered magic words, "if you wake up tomorrow and you feel the baby is moving less, call the office and we will get you delivered."

That's all it took. And my journey of grief was ending.

PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION

2008-06-04T17:12:00.005-04:00

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/ny-stillbirth-bill

Please sign the petition - we are working frantically to get the Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth Law passed in NYS.

Today

2008-05-30T08:25:00.001-04:00

Solomon, I miss you today. Not that I don't miss you everyday, I do. Just today is your big brother Alex's bar mitzvah and I wish you were here with us to celebrate. He wanted to meet you so much and was so brave.

8

2008-03-10T11:21:00.002-04:00

I did not think last week would ever end. Tuesday started with what would have been my grandmother's 90th birthday. I had been mentally planning her party since her 89th birthday.

Saturday was 8 years. 8 years. I cannot believe it. And I had to get through the day without my grandmother. Eric sent Adam over to me to tell me Solomon loves me. Hearing his name come out of Adam's mouth was shocking, but brought me to a moments reality during a very cloudy morning.

I was cold all day and tried to avoid writing the date. Stupid me had to write 3 checks and in the moment I wrote it 3/8/08 but wouldn't record it in the checkbook.

I feel guilty that I did not look at Solomon's photos, something I always do on his anniversary. Instead, I Eric and I shopped, had lunch and promptly fell asleep from our big meal. By nighttime, I'd curled up with a book, Bed Rest, which was pleasant enough. But I stayed up only until it was a respectable hour to go to sleep.

When I woke on Sunday, I felt lighter because I had survived Solomon's day, again, without him.

Ralph

2007-12-14T08:34:00.001-05:00

I saw Ralph last Saturday at Mike and Marie's holiday party. I haven't seen him in two years, not since the last time Eric and I were able to be at M&Ms holiday party. Ralph is a friend of my husband, they used to work for the same company, and Ralph lives a mere seven minutes from our house (not that we ever see him!)

What distinguishes Ralph to me is that he knew me during my happiest time and through my saddest, a span of only three years. When I met Ralph, we hit it off right away - he was a good buddy of Eric's and through lots of fun times, parties and outings, we had a blast. We're even the same sign, Capricorn, but don't ask me what that might have to do with anything.

After Solomon, I was a different person. And somehow Ralph gave me laughs two and three. It sounds funny to write it like that but that's how it was.

At Atlantis in the Bahamas, I spent a miserable week. This was Eric's company trip and he worked really hard to earn it. I was devastated as I'd planned to be pregnant, nearly 8 months so and here I was, nothing. One night we were at one of the club with Ralph, Mike, Marie and some others. All of a sudden, Ralph starts rapping to a Madonna song, I forget which one. The hilarity of the situation is hard to capture. Ralph was a 40-ish, short, Italian, divorced-with-no-children, guy from Queens. He did not fit any mold of any rapper anywhere on the planet. The joy I felt at laughing in relief could be measured on the Richter scale. That was laugh #2.

Of course I was pregnant for the third time in January 2001, dreading what would happen in the future. Eric convinced me we should go away for a ski weekend, in which I wouldn't ski, go snow-mobiling, drink or sit in the hot tub. So I read a book, White Oleander by Janet Fitch, and an issue of "O" - the magazine Oprah Winfrey puts out. Ralph, Mike and Marie and assorted brothers, brothers-in-laws and friends of Mike and Ralph's were also at the cabin. I forgot which meal it was, we were all gathered around. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. All of a sudden, Ralph starts to sink. Now mind you he is already sitting in a chair at the dinner table and seems to be moving south involuntarily. Turns out, the chair rail started to deteriorate right before everyones eyes. We were all a ball of hysterics, even me. When Ralph finally emerged from the floor, you could tell he thought this was just the funniest thing.

We spoke about Ralph's chair incident on Saturday, and I've been meaning to post since then. When I think back to the dark time, it's hard to remember that there were glimpses of light. And Ralph is someone whom I lease expected to be the light-giver.

October 10 Reunion Group

2007-10-12T12:28:00.000-04:00

I attended a Reunion Group this week and saw Patty, Janine T, Bill and Diana and Rosemary and her husband. We were the reunion-ers. In the loss group were several couples, one couple in particular who were there for a repeat. Their second pregnancy ended in loss recently. I remmebered them immediately from the first time I spoke at their group. Talk about UNFAIRNESS.

I sat and listened to the loss group members relay their experiences, and went through my part with my usual shaking and nerous voice. It is still painful to talk about, even at 7+ years. I wonder what the next 7 will be like.

The Walk to Remember

2007-10-12T12:25:00.000-04:00

October 6th was The Walk to Remember. As strange as this may sound, it was truly wonderful to be there and not be a speaker. It's not that I don't want to talk, anyone who knows me knows I have a hard time shutting up. It was more of a relief to have the role of just a mourner among all the others. And there were others....so may newbies. That's what incites my anger now, that more and more women and men and families are experience pregnancy loss.

I was angry with myself for such a long time for taking Solomon from me and did let go of the anger eventually. It took years but I eventually forgave myself too. But the naive part of me still wants no more pregnancies to have unhappy outcomes. I know my thoughts are unreasonable, I just can't help them.

Solomon's Paper

2007-09-20T10:36:00.000-04:00

I received in the mail Solomon scrapbook paper - I went on the Scrap It Simple website and ordered white cardstock, blue ink, scatter design, of his name. It will be for the memorial book Winthrop University Hospital is compiling. I originally wanted to do Solomon's page identical to his quilt square. But too many computer crashes and too many lost files has lost the document into cyberspace. So I am using the name paper and created a solid blue heart with white lettering indicating his date, March 8, 2000.

Alison is 6 today!

2007-08-14T09:19:00.001-04:00

Alison is 6 today. It hardly seems like she should be this up in years already. I am thankful for every second I have spent with her. She is my joy!

This Years' Walk

2007-08-13T14:09:00.001-04:00

I've already received email and snail mail announcements for this years' Walk to Remember sponsored by Winthrop University Hospital. I spoke with Patti, and we really both have mixed feelings about participating.

Yes, the boulder of grief has been chipped away from my heart and I don't actively mourn Solomon anymore. But on the other hand, I know what comfort I got in the early months from those who had also "been there" and I always feel the need to "give back." At least I don't have to decide today.

August 1

2007-08-01T11:23:00.000-04:00

Always a tough day for me. It is Rebecca's birthday. At the time I was supposed to celebrating the joy of having my first child while my best friend enjoyed the birth of hers.

Solomon and Rebecca were due within days of each other. I was so raw when Jon called to say she had been born and that mother and baby were doing well. Not the mother and baby I knew, not me, not Solomon. I couldn't get out of bed and hoped to be forgiven for being such a rotten friend.

The day my husband forbids me to mention

2007-07-28T14:22:00.000-04:00

Today is the day my husband forbids me to mention. Maybe not forbids, but he has let me know in no uncertain terms, not to bring it up.

Today is the day that my first child was supposed to be born. Based on my recording keeping and the calculated dates of ovulation, conception and sonogram-dating, every date came to the conclusion July 28th was the BIG DAY. Eric feels there's no point recalling this day, since we don't recall the due date's of Alison and Adam. I of course argue his point. We do mention Alison's due date because it was my mother's birthday and there's not much to say about Adam's since it was pretty much on his birthday. His date's were always off but I firmly believe he was due March 29 but I couldn't have a scheduled C on Saturday so Friday March 28th it was.

When July 28, 2000 came, I was in a hotel in Washington DC, fantasizing Room Service would deliver a baby to me, sobbing in Eric's arms, and listening to the very last broadcast of Regis and KathyLee - a program I had never watched. It was a horrible day for me and thinking back I can remember the rawness I felt, as if someone stripped by skin and I was just a bunch of bones with a broken heart.

Today in 2007, I'm not much happier. Oh there have been joyous times, and there will continue to be. But I am still deeply saddened by my grandmother's death on July 4th and I'm feeling a lot of that rawness today. At least I have my children, who've been extremely tolerant of their moody mommy.

A photo in heaven

2007-07-07T07:47:00.001-04:00

It's hard to know what is the "right" thing to do, especially where death is concerned. I arrived at the Funeral home Thursday July 5 with photos of my children and my grandmother. I guess I should say my living chidren. I did not know what to do regarding Solomon.

My grandmother was at my side through my ordeal losing Solomon, and would hold my hand for months to come whenever we were together. She never spoke of him, taking the lead from me.

I called my husband and asked him to bring a photo of Solomon for my grandmother's coffin. I did not have the photo displayed with the other photos of her great-grandchildren - it would have been too much for me to explain to those who came to comfort us. His picture was in an envelope with instructions to place it with my grandmother when the casket was sealed. And that's what happened.

This just SUCKS

2007-07-04T19:59:00.000-04:00

About 7:30 this morning my telephone rang. It was my mother. I knew the news could not be good, but I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. My grandmother had died this morning. I dropped the phone and fell silent.

When Eric finished talking to my mom, he held me as I shook and cried. "Why would my mother say such a mean thing?" I asked, not to him directly.

This was one of the days I was always dreading.

Goldie, my grandmother, was one of the lights of my life. To know her was to love her. Always with a smile and a positive attitude, she was very honest and forgiving, two traits I have always tried to have. She always turned away to other people's flaws and saw the best side of them.

She loved unconditionally, no matter who, no matter what.

When I was losing Solomon, one of the things I wanted the most was her. And she obliged by sitting quietly in the corner of my hospital room. She said nothing, she just let me rant.

When I gave birth to Alison, she was there with my mother. Her first great-grandchild had been born, and a great-granddaughter no less. And when Adam was born, she was right there too. Reveling in the love we felt for the new "little man" in our family. We gave her the honor of Sandek at his bris.

Goldie was a golden light who never wanted anything more than to be surrounded by those she loved most in the world. My life is now darker and will remain so, regardless of the joys that lie ahead.

I miss you grandma.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T20:51:00.000-04:00

On my first Mother's Day as a mother, May 2000, I did not have a child. That is, I did not have a living child. Solomon was born and had died a few weeks prior. On this particular day I found myself in the Bahamas, at the luxury resort Atlantis. The scenery was lush and vivid but everything seemed veiled to me. My husband was great, guiding me through the motions of the day, making sure I ate, rested, and took in some of the beach. I felt so out of place. Even though there were no children on our trip, it was a business trip for Eric, I still was disfigured from the pregnancy and birth and felt as if I wanted to die.

Today, 7 years later, is different. The world is awash in color, and I could take in the smell of Alison's hair and notice the red ruddiness of Adam's scraped news.

Happy Mother's Day Solomon.

A Long Island Love Story

2007-04-04T10:39:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I submitted an email to Long Island Love Stories, a segment of the Channel 12 news here on Long Island. I told how Eric and I reconnected after our divorces, had a wonderful wedding and honeymoon, found ourselves pregnant (ok, only I was the pregnant one) and then suffered a tsunami of our own when we lost Solomon. We were interviewed on Friday March 23, 2007 in our home. This was not the first time I was interviewed about pregnancy loss but it was the first time for me on camera, and it was the first time my husband spoke.

As I've mentioned before, there is something comforting to me to hear my husband speak Solomon's name, and watching the interview it is no different. I felt so estranged from Eric for such a long time, and with the publishing of the book and additional steps I feel as if things are back on the right track for us.

7-Year Itch

2007-03-08T15:01:00.000-05:00

Today is 7 years since I lost Solomon. I cannot believe it. I woke up this morning and hugged Adam as tightly as I could. I gave Alison extra kisses goodbye at the bus stop.

I have the 7-year itch. I will always have a dormant longing for Solomon. I long to know so much. Would his eyes have been blue like my daughter's or brown like my son's? Would the weight of his body as he was nursing felt skinny like Adam or bulky like Alison? Would he have walked late, talked early, liked peas or apples. Things I will never know in this lifetime.

Today is the only day each year I allow myself to ask "why?" Why did this happen to me? I don't wallow anymore...the "why" is more of a curiousity in my life, a question that will never be answered. And even if it was, what difference would it make? Solomon is the emptiness in my heart that will always be there.

The Mention of his Name

2007-02-24T14:04:00.000-05:00

My husband mentioned Solomon's name last night, quite to my surprise. We were at friend's for dinner with the kids. I don't know what we were talking about. And then he mentioned something about how I would behave at the OB's office after we lost Solomon. It sounded so odd, the name coming out of Eric's mouth. And it was very unusual, at least to me, that he would bring him up at all. No, lightning didn't strike. It was just a moment in time when my husband felt comfortable enough to bring Solomon up.

Ash Wednesday

2007-02-21T08:32:00.000-05:00

Today is Ash Wednesday. Not a holiday for me. I meant to post yesterday on Mardi Gras. That's not a holiday for me either.

What I note about both days is that in 2000, Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday were March 7 and 8. I delivered Solomon on March 8.

On Mardi Gras, I started the day fantasizing that the doctors were wrong, my dates were wrong and that all the wrongs would make one big right, and I wouldn't be losing my baby. On Ash Wednesday the biggest wrong, me, occurred.

Whenever I see a person with ashes on their forehead, two things come to mind. First is my friend Terry, who always left work at lunchtime, went to the closest Church and returned to the office ashened. The second is losing Solomon. The nurse attending to me had gone on this errand, and sure enough I delivered my baby without her. In the end, it doesn't really matter, she would not have been able to save my child. When she returned and learned I was done, she apologized and helped to clean me up. Those are my Ash Wednesday memories.

The Photo

2007-02-04T15:56:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I was sent a photo of my paternal great-grandparents, Gus and Isabel. The photo was taken in Black and White, and the copy I received has that sepia tone to it. In the middle of the couple is the woman who is my great-great grandmother, Carmella. Until I received the photo, Carmella was a mystery woman. I had heard her name through the years from my grandmother and mom. My grandmother met her a few times when she was dating my grandfather, Al, the son of Gus and Isabel.

Carmella is someone I will never know, regardless of how many photos I receive, stories I hear or Internet searches on Ancestry.com I do. She is very similar to me the way Solomon is at this point in time. I won't know him either, at least not in the way I know my children Alison and Adam. It seems so strange that there are all these relatives I've never met, but logical at the same time. And I wonder if Solomon has met them where he is.

Come and gone

2006-10-26T19:41:00.000-04:00

Another Walk to Remember has come and gone and this is the first time I have been able to sit and write a word or two. It was a blustery day filled with less people than I expected. In greeting my fellow journeyers and others I learned Anna would not be there. Like an arrow through my heart the pain shot - how could I speak without Anna?
Anna was my lifeline and while in reality I would have had to get through my grief eventually, I know my journey would have been different without her. She provided the unconditional support. She was there morning, noon and night through my grief and subsequent pregnancies. I owe so much to her for returning me to some semblance of a life.
And now she would not be at the event, our Walk to Remember, and I was crushed.

***

On the heels of the Walk was the anniversary of Baby Z. I don't really know when I lost him, but 10/23/00 is the day I mark since it is the day of the D&C to remove what might have been from me. I was so busy I didn't even get to light a candle. But I was busy with the blessings that he paved the way for.

Pet Insurance

2006-10-15T19:33:00.000-04:00

Exactly 20 years ago today I became a cat-mom. A black domestic short haired cat with white paws adopted me from the North Shore Animal League. I named her Sushi. It was the first time I had every experienced the proverbial love-at-first-site.

Sushi and I would go on to adopt two other cats: Baby, a gray domestic short hair and DaisyMay, a marmalade beauty -or what my English friends call, a ginger cat.

Today I am cat-less. Baby left this earth exactly 10 days before Alison was born. She was 11 and her death wrought havoc on my world already saturated with the loss of my son Solomon.

Sushi would die 10 days before my 39th birthday. Her death hit me like a ton of bricks. Sushi had been with me since college. She lived through my first marriage and divorce, my pursuing my Masters degree, the building of my career, my remarriage and the loss of Solomon. She and I had a deal: she would live until I turned 40. She tried. As she was dying in my arms she licked my fingers as if to say goodbye. She was 18 years and 4 months old.

On October 12, 2006 my DaisyMay passed. And while there is no "10 day" coincidence in her death, she died 19 days prior to her 16th birthday. My sweetheart of a cat who was finally comfortable with all the love my son Adam could heap on her.

Exactly 24 hours later, upon fetching my mail from its box, I received what I could only a slap in the face: a brochure from the ASPCA asking me to sign up for pet insurance. I sat and stared and thought of the irony of receiving this while in the midst of my grief...and thought of the times I'd received baby advertisements after losing Solomon. The feelings were so much the same: anger, sadness and defeat. I couldn't understand why, and still cannot.

In six years time I have mourned the loss of my son Solomon, another miscarriage and the deaths of my cats. I have also celebrated the birth of my children. I'm hoping the next six years are more even-keeled.

Tonight I lit my candles in honor of Solomon, his brother Baby Z and my cats...all in the name of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. My cats made me a mother, my children make me a parent. I love them all.

Kindergarten Here I Come

2006-09-08T14:20:00.000-04:00

While Alison had her first day of Kindergarten two days ago, she goes a full day today. At about the four-hour mark, I started to miss her. We've never been apart this long on a typical day.

For her first day we made a Kindergarten Here I Come banner, that she displayed and was photographed with. I matched my excitement level to hers, not wanting mine to diminish hers. But today, it's another story.

I ate lunch with my son, I played with my son, I ran errands with my son. And while everyone who knows me knows how much Adam and I adore each other, I'm used to my little girl's presence. I've checked in her room twice, to make sure she's not taking a nap. I've stood at my door, looking out for the bus...the bus that is scheduled to come in over an hour.

The first two days of school, the half days, pshaw, they were nothing. She arrived home in time for lunch and that was that. Were they to ease Alison into a school routine, or were they to wean me and the other mothers from the daily presence of our children?

Today, the whole day, the day that begins all the other seven-hour days for the next thirteen years. I emailed my husband at work how sad I am, how unexpectedly sad I feel. I didn't "lose" Alison, the way I lost Solomon. I know right where she is. And it is not with me.

I wonder how I would have felt if this were Solomon going to school. Would I have had a closeness with him the way I do with Alison and Adam? It will remain a silent wonder.

The Big 5!!!!!

2006-08-14T11:19:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe it... today is Alison's 5th birthday. I recall exactly at this time five years ago I was packing my belongings and crying. Alison's birth would be the culmination of a 17 month journey from the loss of Solomon. Her birth day I thought would never arrive.

As Eric and I drove to the hospital I was crying, complaining that this would be just another trip to the hospital for nothing. I cried through my labor, waiting. And when I heard the cry of Alison for the first time, tears rolled from my eyes, horizontally across my cheeks, into my ears.

All the waiting for my moment of joy. Her cry was the sweetest sound I had ever heard.

Today she is 5, how is that possible? She is growing up fast and starts Kindergarten and Daisy Scouts in a few weeks.

My praying and perseverance paid off in the wonder of her.

Honored

2006-08-10T16:14:00.000-04:00

On Monday August 7, 2006 I was honored along with other women as a Fortune 52 Woman. Beverly Fortune of the Long Island Press, interviewed me in March and the story ran in June. I held my breath for weeks, waiting to see what the story would look like. Once it ran I was thrilled. But it was a strange kind of thrilled-ness, and that is how I felt Monday night. As I stood off center of the podium with the other distinguished woman, I felt torn. Here I was being recognized, and that felt good, great even. But the reason I was recognized was because I had delivered my son Solomon still, had a subsequent miscarriage and two additional "spals" pregnancies resulting in the births of my children. The cherry on top was publishing the book. So the honor was bittersweet, and one that I wish I had never recieved, or at least not in this way. Still I hope my exposure helps other women, so that's gotta balance the scale a little.

That Day

2006-07-28T10:50:00.000-04:00

Today is *That* Day - as I think of it. That day I was supposed to be having my first child. That day that my husband believes is that "guess date the doctor gives you so you can set up your office pool." It's now 6 years later on *that day* and I can recall my feelings of sadness. Waking up in a hotel room in Washington DC, my consolation prize; crying from my guts and hoping a baby would be brought to me along with room service. It never materialized of course and Eric and I spent a hot sticky day touring the Lincoln Memorial and other wonderful sites.

And now 6 years later, I sit and reflect while Alison is in day camp and Adam is tearing up the backroom. An email from my uncle let me know that a new baby was born today. So the date has now taken on a positive for me. *That* date is now *this* date, belonging to Amanda Lilly, whom I wish a lifetime of love, happiness and peace.

Baby Steps

2006-06-02T14:50:00.000-04:00

My stepson has a family heritage project to do, and he, his mother, my husband and myself hope to get a good grade on it. The project has many pieces, and trying to figure out what's appropriate in a divorce/stepfamily situation has proven easier than it would appear.

One of the pieces to be constructed is a poster of the family tree. The sheet we are using as a guideline stops at my stepson, in which case it does not include myself or the children I have with my husband who are my stepson's half-siblings. No big deal really. But my stepson's mother, who is doing the poster, not only has generously include myself and my children, she sent me an email asking how to acknowledge Solomon. I was both shocked and touched.

At the time of my loss I was convinced she did not understand. And to be honest, I don't know for sure that at the time she did. But today is a new day and she 'gets' it. As I'm not comfortable sharing Solomon's picture, we agreed to use a charm that depicts a little boy, similar to the one I was given by my husband for my first mothers day. When I say first, I do mean first: immediately after we lost Solomon. I was a mother, a childless one, but still a mother.

So a photo of a charm depicting my little boy will be mounted on the poster along with pictures of myself, daughter and son. I'm thrilled.

Hello, My Friend

2006-05-23T11:23:00.000-04:00

There is a woman I know, who calls me about once a week. And I do the same. We have become very good friends, and our kids have enjoyed playdates and visiting. Each time I see her number appear in my caller ID, I pick up and say "Hello My Friend" and she replies in kind. It is such a warm feeling.

Patty and I met at a Reunion Group. We never would have met otherwise. She lost her daughter Hope almost a year before I lost my son Solomon. When we met, I had had my spals daughter. We wouldn't become friends until we found ourselves pregnant again - me with my sspals and her with her spals. We would call ourselves 'the old-timers' at all the reunion groups and the spals groups, because we were always the ones whose losses were in the distant past. When I was on bedrest with my sspals, my husband would drive me to our group meetings. He too enjoyed Patty's company and the three of us got through our sessions.

When I delivered Adam, she was there in the hospital the next day, to visit and to just be there. In fact, she had our group counselor call over to my hospital the morning I was to deliver, to track me down, to see how I was and what I'd had! Seeing her face looking at me and my son, I just knew we would be friends.

It's funny how life goes.

Wednesday Night Writers Group

2006-05-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to "my writers group" at the library. It was actually one of the few times in this group that I didn't write about Solomon or loss, pain, heartache and sadness. The instructor is a local author, poet and published novelist, and she is great: Barbara Novack. She is very positive and encouraging.

Erica Jong is quoted as saying something like "writing is the balm of grief." And so it is.

Recollections

2006-05-16T18:19:00.000-04:00

Today I changed over my winter to summer clothes, at least part of them as we're still entrenched in some yucky weather even tho the thermometer is starting to creep up.

I came across an organge and white wrap, with shells on fringe dripping from the bottom. Something suitable to wear over a swimsuit. The tag was still on it. I bought this wrap 6 years ago on *that* trip to Atlantis in the Bahamas. My consolation prize. I've never been able to bring myself to wear the wrap or pass it along. It's these little reminders that enter my psyche when least expected.

Mother's Day, then and now

2006-05-14T18:49:00.000-04:00

Another Mother's Day. Six years ago, after losing Solomon, my husband and I went on a trip to Atlantis in the Bahamas. I always considered that my 'consolation prize." Instead of attending the black-tie ball in a maternity gown, I was there stuffed into a size 2 number with a blubber belly from the pregnancy. I hated myself and almost everyone else. I didn't have too much fun on the trip, there was an emptiness inside of me that no amount of sunshine, pampering and food (really good food) could fill. I hadn't yet begun to think of myself as a childless mother, but I did define myself as a mother whose child had died. My husband gave me a gold little boy charm which I'd had engraved Solomon 5/8/00. Friends looked at me oddly when I showed them. So many folks were clueless and I didn't have the words or energy to explain.

I had braids put in my hair ocean-side, sitting in the hot sun. It hurt a lot but I somehow felt I deserved it, that I deserved to suffer. I did everything in power to protect Solomon and in the end nothing mattered, he was lost.

And today, with Alison and Adam running around - gosh, it's just so different. I'm their mother, they have no one else and hopefully never will. The sun rises and sets with them. I hope they never feel I'm 'needy' of them, even though I am.

Feeling a ping

2006-05-11T19:06:00.000-04:00

At a family affair this weekend, I felt that "ping." I was missing Solomon. I really didn't have him in my 'front-brain' but at Temple when reading Kaddish and at the party later, when I saw my two spals kids dancing and having fun, I felt he was missing.

Pregnancy Journeys After Loss

2006-05-04T09:39:00.000-04:00

Hi!
Just starting this whole blog thing, not sure how good I'll be at it. I lost my son Solomon to pprom resulting in his stillbirth on March 8, 2000. I had a myriad of physical and mental healing to do. The physical was easier. We got pregnancy again 4 months later and we lost that to blighted ovum. Two month after that, pregnancy #3. I held my breath, pretended to be happy and endured mental hell for 9 months until Alison was born at 38 weeks. A big beautiful 8 pounds 2 ounce bundle. Oops, 11 months later we are pregnant again. Adam was born 19-1/2 months after Alison. A physically wonderful pregnancy until *boom* preterm labor and 11 weeks of terbutaline and bedrest. Two cerclages, two c-sections.

Now I speak at pregnancy loss groups, pregnancy after loss groups, have been involved in program planning for the First Candle/SIDS Alliance and International Stillbirth Alliance conference in DC in September 2005. And I wrote and edited a book, "Journeys: Stories of Pregnancy After Loss." A compilation by 11 authors of loss stories coupled with pregnancy after loss stories. Hopefully it will be a comfort to those finding themselves *SPALS*

Warmly,
Amy
www.PregnancyJourneysAfterLoss.com
"The birth of a child isn't always a nine-month process.